what happens now

It has been YEARS since my last post.I have grown to internalize more, share less. not sure if that is working

what happens when you are ignored?

when despite your best efforts, you need help, and no one is there to help.

i know this answer, well, you keep going...with love fierce for your kids but less for humanity

after 10 years, I let him go. years in the works, months in the execution. still love him, but I think that everyone is better for it.

taken from my unabridged blog shared back on Wednesday, October 21, 2009
i AM that child still. in grown up shoes. i don't know how i was a child or if i was a child, but i love that child. i am proud of that child. i will protect that child from harm and love her. i will be there for her. she will know what it is to have security and to feel safe from harm.

i will do the same for my children. provide to them security, unconditional love, and keep them safe from harm.

i am one exhausted mother. and employee. but i still have a smile on my face, and it is genuine. i'll take that ;)

unabridged version

I have an unabridged version of this blog. If you want access, let me know.

I am coming to the realization that my life is not done; it is not written in stone. anything can happen.

people love it when you lose


they love dirty laundry

perspective. it's good to get some.

office

one thing i don't miss about being in the office


office politics

gossip


not at all.

it has been a while, and it has really been some time...but i am coming back. me. looking forward to getting back to me.

good things

happen to good people


eventually.

on the other hand

anger makes for a good shield and/or push to get things done quickly

i am tired of talking about being tired
i am tired of being tired
i am tired of having tired effect everything
i am tired of whining
i am sick of not being heard

= no money :) and no socks to be found :)

I'd like to incorporate a BAN on SOCKS all weekend, EVERY weekend. I swear the socks mock me in my exhaustion. Can you say needle in a flippin haystack?

ALL of my money is POURING out of this house and going to DOCTORS. I have to get the disability paperwork moving and fast.

AND advocating for my child is ALSO EXPENSIVE, books and dvds etc are all so expensive and they are there to teach her caregivers, teachers, etc...

= no money :) and no socks to be found :)

a different way of coping

my way of coping with the absolute depths of sad and everything is that I am just ignoring the crappy pieces of the day and like a brave new worlder on soma, i am choosing to only acknowledge the good, and ignore the bad, unless it needs to be moved out of my way. if it is crappy circumstances...i can not change the circumstances. only my response to them


well, tihs is what is working for me today.

a different way of coping

my way of coping with the absolute depths of sad and everything is that I am just ignoring the crappy pieces of the day and like a brave new worlder on soma, i am choosing to only acknowledge the good, and ignore the bad, unless it needs to be moved out of my way. if it is crappy circumstances...i can not change the circumstances. only my response to them


well, tihs is what is working for me today.

Olive is ...

I am in awe watching her lately

just effortlessly navigating her way through the school day

she has come so far

I don't think I could be more proud of her and happy for her.

my problem with teacher appreciation week

i am a TRUE lover of teachers and anyone who supports the education and or rearing of my or ANY children in a positive manner is an EVERYDAY HERO in my book.

i have a problem this week. Teacher Appreciation Week.

Ok. So how many teachers am I supposed to buy gifts for? Where is the money coming from? Most of what I have, I donate to the school and to the classroom. I ENJOY buying something for my daughter's primary teacher, but what about the auxillary teachers of different subjects? Do they get acknowledgement?

MY REAL PROBLEM IS
what about my baby's daycare workers. at least 5 or 6 different women must touch/have something to do with my baby each week. How the HELL am I supposed to afford that? It has NOTHING to do with NOT APPRECIATING. It is a shame that I am burdened by this matter. I should let it slide.

What happens if I appreciate the teacher/caregiver EVERY day? But GOd Forbid, I don't have the money to go out and buy floral arrangements for each of the 5-6 different women, then somehow I don't appreciate what they do for my child and what a great benefit they are to me having them in my daughter's life. ?????????

no person should have this much anger
NO person

how can I push out the hard/anger to get through to the extreme sad to let it out

it won't let me

I need to get through the sad so i can move ahead

the only time i DO cry is when i least expect it

rave for Kal

that's right ladies. get your jaws off the floor.

since Kal has been done with school semester as of Friday, he has helped me, 2 days in a row with the kids
like super more than Kal usually does.

If this is temporary,I will still take it. If this is manic, I will still take it. Whatever it is, I will still take it.

He has gone above and beyond the Kal limit, which although may be less than others' limits, I am comparing him only to himself and he is absolutely shocking the shit out of me.

thank you universe. thank you.

shouldn't

A simple 6 month pediatric dental checkup and cleaning should NOT bring me to tears.

please universe and all that directs the world's ongoings, please, please, please

go easy on me

please

i.n.v.i.s.i.b.l.e

I am soooo sick of the invisible.

I am sick of the invisible sickness that defies anyone other than those truly close to her's understanding.

I am sick of invisibly going about everything that I do and it meaning nothing to anyone.not one effin thing.

when do i get a break?

Where is my support team?

I am disgusted. and sad.

on this day

it's funny. how my circle-oval-triangle-square ish ness of friends have developed over the years. and how proud i am of them, each of them. and how grateful i am for each of them, each different than the other.

i am beginning to understand the concept of woven families.to creat a family of friends and support takes time. and i am just in the starting gates.

on this beautiful day, i am grateful for so much.
my gorgeous baby girls
Kal, and everything that comes with him
my dog Rosie

my friends
my sanity/insanity, depends on who you ask ;)

and for my history and for my family, for without it, i would not be who i am today

this bothers me so.

Suicide hotline numbers

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)