madhattermx- the abridged version

what happens when you are ignored?

2010-10-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

when despite your best efforts, you need help, and no one is there to help.

i know this answer, well, you keep going...with love fierce for your kids but less for humanity

2010-02-02T11:15:00.001-08:00

after 10 years, I let him go. years in the works, months in the execution. still love him, but I think that everyone is better for it.

2010-02-02T11:11:00.001-08:00

taken from my unabridged blog shared back on Wednesday, October 21, 2009
i AM that child still. in grown up shoes. i don't know how i was a child or if i was a child, but i love that child. i am proud of that child. i will protect that child from harm and love her. i will be there for her. she will know what it is to have security and to feel safe from harm.

i will do the same for my children. provide to them security, unconditional love, and keep them safe from harm.

2010-02-02T11:04:00.001-08:00

i am one exhausted mother. and employee. but i still have a smile on my face, and it is genuine. i'll take that ;)

unabridged version

2010-01-29T13:33:00.001-08:00

I have an unabridged version of this blog. If you want access, let me know.

2010-01-15T07:40:00.001-08:00

I am coming to the realization that my life is not done; it is not written in stone. anything can happen.

2009-10-26T09:45:00.001-07:00

people love it when you lose

they love dirty laundry

2009-10-26T06:35:00.001-07:00

perspective. it's good to get some.

office

2009-10-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

one thing i don't miss about being in the office

office politics

gossip

not at all.

2009-10-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

it has been a while, and it has really been some time...but i am coming back. me. looking forward to getting back to me.

good things

2009-05-31T19:15:00.001-07:00

happen to good people

eventually.

2009-05-28T11:46:00.001-07:00

on the other hand

anger makes for a good shield and/or push to get things done quickly

2009-05-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

i am tired of talking about being tired
i am tired of being tired
i am tired of having tired effect everything
i am tired of whining
i am sick of not being heard

= no money :) and no socks to be found :)

2009-05-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'd like to incorporate a BAN on SOCKS all weekend, EVERY weekend. I swear the socks mock me in my exhaustion. Can you say needle in a flippin haystack?

ALL of my money is POURING out of this house and going to DOCTORS. I have to get the disability paperwork moving and fast.

AND advocating for my child is ALSO EXPENSIVE, books and dvds etc are all so expensive and they are there to teach her caregivers, teachers, etc...

= no money :) and no socks to be found :)

a different way of coping

2009-05-14T08:34:00.001-07:00

my way of coping with the absolute depths of sad and everything is that I am just ignoring the crappy pieces of the day and like a brave new worlder on soma, i am choosing to only acknowledge the good, and ignore the bad, unless it needs to be moved out of my way. if it is crappy circumstances...i can not change the circumstances. only my response to them

well, tihs is what is working for me today.

a different way of coping

2009-05-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

2009-05-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Olive is ...

I am in awe watching her lately

just effortlessly navigating her way through the school day

she has come so far

I don't think I could be more proud of her and happy for her.

my problem with teacher appreciation week

2009-05-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

i am a TRUE lover of teachers and anyone who supports the education and or rearing of my or ANY children in a positive manner is an EVERYDAY HERO in my book.

i have a problem this week. Teacher Appreciation Week.

Ok. So how many teachers am I supposed to buy gifts for? Where is the money coming from? Most of what I have, I donate to the school and to the classroom. I ENJOY buying something for my daughter's primary teacher, but what about the auxillary teachers of different subjects? Do they get acknowledgement?

MY REAL PROBLEM IS
what about my baby's daycare workers. at least 5 or 6 different women must touch/have something to do with my baby each week. How the HELL am I supposed to afford that? It has NOTHING to do with NOT APPRECIATING. It is a shame that I am burdened by this matter. I should let it slide.

What happens if I appreciate the teacher/caregiver EVERY day? But GOd Forbid, I don't have the money to go out and buy floral arrangements for each of the 5-6 different women, then somehow I don't appreciate what they do for my child and what a great benefit they are to me having them in my daughter's life. ?????????

2009-05-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

no person should have this much anger
NO person

how can I push out the hard/anger to get through to the extreme sad to let it out

it won't let me

I need to get through the sad so i can move ahead

the only time i DO cry is when i least expect it

rave for Kal

2009-05-05T06:05:00.001-07:00

that's right ladies. get your jaws off the floor.

since Kal has been done with school semester as of Friday, he has helped me, 2 days in a row with the kids
like super more than Kal usually does.

If this is temporary,I will still take it. If this is manic, I will still take it. Whatever it is, I will still take it.

He has gone above and beyond the Kal limit, which although may be less than others' limits, I am comparing him only to himself and he is absolutely shocking the shit out of me.

thank you universe. thank you.

shouldn't

2009-05-04T12:25:00.001-07:00

A simple 6 month pediatric dental checkup and cleaning should NOT bring me to tears.

please universe and all that directs the world's ongoings, please, please, please

go easy on me

please

i.n.v.i.s.i.b.l.e

2009-05-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

I am soooo sick of the invisible.

I am sick of the invisible sickness that defies anyone other than those truly close to her's understanding.

I am sick of invisibly going about everything that I do and it meaning nothing to anyone.not one effin thing.

when do i get a break?

Where is my support team?

I am disgusted. and sad.

on this day

2009-04-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

it's funny. how my circle-oval-triangle-square ish ness of friends have developed over the years. and how proud i am of them, each of them. and how grateful i am for each of them, each different than the other.

i am beginning to understand the concept of woven families.to creat a family of friends and support takes time. and i am just in the starting gates.

on this beautiful day, i am grateful for so much.
my gorgeous baby girls
Kal, and everything that comes with him
my dog Rosie

my friends
my sanity/insanity, depends on who you ask ;)

and for my history and for my family, for without it, i would not be who i am today

this bothers me so.

2009-04-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

Suicide hotline numbers

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)

Jaheem Herrera Rest In Peace

2009-04-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/23/bullying.suicide/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/23/bullying.suicide/index.html

CNN Video about Dunaire Student

2009-04-24T06:18:00.001-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2009/04/23/ac.bullying.suicide.cnn

Dunaire Elementary School --- One of our children, gone.

2009-04-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Where that tortured little boy killed himself after being bullied long term while the administration there passed a blind eye.

Well, the little boy's best friend returned to school yesterday after losing his best friend to suicide and the BULLIES started picking on him and his mother had to come get him to bring him home.

I believe it is the responsibility of the bullies' parents and of the school to address the symptoms of an underlying problem.

BUT how in the WORLD is THIS BEING TOLERATED AT DUNAIRE ELEMENTARY school in Decatur, Dekalb Cty?

What can I do? that little boy has been through enough. shaking my head.

I feel compelled as a Dekalb Cty School parent to address and work to address and bring the ugly to light, to help other kids.

this little boy shouldn't be gone

if you wish, pass on your feelings of this story with those you know. maybe bringing it to light, will aid in bringing Dunaire Elementary School to accept accountability and work to correct the current education climate they have.

Bravo to the Dekalb DA's office http://www.ajc.com/unwrap/content/metro/dekalb/stories/2009/04/23/dekalb_bully_investigation.html

The backstory
http://www.ajc.com/unwrap/content/metro/dekalb/stories/2009/04/21/boy_suicide_bullying_decatur.html

04222009 wednesday

2009-04-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

i want to be nice. i would like to be cordial and patient. but the minute i answer the phone and you sound like queen kamahamaha bltch does not allow me much leeway. you are in customer service dealing with moms of kids with special needs, get a heart and a fockin personality. have some compassion and know that some of us are in this fight alone. fighting every day someone else for the benefit of our children..fighting for simple things many take for granted. now I don't know what your secret troubles are or if you have them, but if you did, i would think you would respond appropriately to sad and distress.

let's see how you do next time. bc if your are a bltch next time, it's on.

you can call me and offer up updates on mommom for me, i TRULY appreciate it. my experiences with family members are different than yours. i can't call mom and ask for anything, she doesn't do that. she refers me to someone else. every time. i'm not trying to be snotty, we just have different experiences. i don't need you to tell me to do what i need to do, i'm already doing it. i was looking for more information bc i need to know. i love you, don't think i don't.

2008-12-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

Win a Free Organic Embroidered Ergo Baby Carrier Hands Free System from Along for the Ride

thankful

2008-11-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am grateful for the people who understand me without me needing to explain. I am thankful and so lucky to have a few people who REALLY understand how little help I receive and how VERY tired I can become. I am also very appreciative that they do not feel sorry/pity for me. They empathize, but don't baby me. I am a big girl.I am lucky to have some strong women around me that understand what I am doing.

EVERYONE has stuff, issues, stressors, skeletons, etc...we do our BEST. that is all we CAN do.

2008-11-19T15:39:00.000-08:00

i think my tired "ness" is getting the best of me.

I get it, thanks

2008-11-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

I'm overweight and still look very pregnant one year later.My issue.

I KNOW

please shove a biscuit in your mouth next time when you THINK it would be appropriate to ask me yelling across the school cafeteria if I am expecting again. bitch.

what i really think

2008-11-19T08:04:00.001-08:00

there are not many places where i can put what i really think. and it is quite likely that droves of people are NOT here reading.

Don't be a sheep. Stop judging from behind a shield of "good mommyness". Take each person as a person. If you judge, which I do, call yourself out for it. Not one person is better than the next. I believe we are each doing our best within our capabilities and circumstances.

why

2008-11-19T06:26:00.000-08:00

what i don't understand is why would someone put out there that he/she really want to keep in touch and make sure everyone knows it, but then not return my calls? My daughter turned 1 on Saturday, not even a call. I know I shouldn't, but I am beginning to take it personally. And I move on.

from a book I am reading

2008-11-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

"Because partly imaginary can help family relationships remain stable because it's reassuring to imagine that others love us even when they aren't showing it, but too much reliance on one's imaginary love and caring feelings can blind us to out abuse of a loved one."

oh the glamour of being a mom

2008-11-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

includes

being able to say you've experienced

having a jar of meat sticks drop and spill all over my head and clothes. YUCK!

I was under the table trying to pick up something and CLUNK and GOOOSH

If a bunch of dogs start following me around today, I'll know why

Eau de Meat Sticks

i mark my life in 3 divisions

2008-11-12T19:23:00.001-08:00

i mark my life in 3 divisions. family. friends.work. I can NEVER be doing good at 3. I can only hope to do ok at one, head above water in the second, and underground incompetent in the 3rd. I can't stand it. I'm not trying to be perfect, just trying to keep head above water in all 3, is that too much to ask? Oy

I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC

2008-10-27T18:28:00.007-07:00

I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun

And I'll look back on Venus
I'll look back on Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

I sing the body electric
I glory in the glow of rebirth
Creating my own tomorrow
When I shall embody the earth

And I'll serenade Venus
I'll serenade Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

We are the emperors now
And we are the czars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

What a fun time and a GLORIOUS song

2008-09-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

(and I love that song too... along with "Tunnel

2008-09-09T06:18:00.001-07:00

and I love that song too... along with "Tunnel" - which I so conveniently posted below. )I won't pretend to know what you're thinking I can't begin to know what you're going through I won't deny the pain that you're feeling But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you Just remember what I've told you There's so much you're living for There's a light at the end of this tunnel There's a light at the end of this tunnel For you, for you There's a light at the end of this tunnel Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel For you, for you So keep holdin' on You've got your disappointments and sorrows You ought to share the weight of that load with me Then you will find that the light of tomorrow Brings a new life for your eyes to see So remember what I've told you There's so much you're living forThere IS so much that we are living for, just gotta get the bigger picture sometimes...Ok, and because I'm cut and pasty tonight... here's "Hope you Dance"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder You get your fill to eat But always keep that hunger May you never take one single breath for granted God forbid love ever leave you empty handed I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance I hope you dance I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance Never settle for the path of least resistance Living might mean taking chances But they're worth taking Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter When you come close to selling out Reconsider Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always) I hope you dance (Rolling us along) I hope you dance (Tell me who) I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) (Where those years have gone) I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance Dance I hope you dance I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always) I hope you dance (Rolling us along) I hope you dance (Tell me who) (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) I hope you dance (Where those years have gone)

ok. I'm on my way to bed, but the song that keeps taking the ZOOM off of my self-reflections

2008-09-09T06:17:00.000-07:00

ok. I'm on my way to bed, but the song that keeps taking the ZOOM off of my self-reflections is "I hope you dance" by a country singer singing to her daughter...everytime I hear it it reminds me that there is SO MUCH more than what I may be thinking of at the moment, or concerned of.it also reminds me that for years after Sep11, my father made weekly treks down the shore so he could breathe more easily. he was 4 blocks down and in lockdown that day until 10pm and encountered much much crud into his lungs and his breathing had never again been the same. But what I found was that his breathing treks were also attempts at seeing the bigger picture. and FROM THE SONG AGAIN. "I hope you stand by the ocean, and still feel small" or something like that.I swear I'm not smoking anything, but today was the first day in probably years, that I did NOT feel that I was in survival mode.

Sarah Palin

2008-09-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

I will NOT attack this woman's 17 yr old daughter OR her effectiveness as a parent bc I remember what I was like at 17...

AND

I stand against this woman in probably everything she stands for

BUT WHAT OFFENDS ME MOST IS

that this poor 17 yr old girl is being BETROTHED to this other boy LIKELY at the hand of her and/or his parents OR NOT...

WAY FOR THE MARRIAGE to be doomed from the get go.it enrages me that her daughter is going to get married. Why? why? why does she need to be married?

Old Doggie

2008-08-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

Old Doggie passed on earlier this summer. He had hurt his hip and it was awful. He was 15 years old...and lived his last few years with us instead of on the streets, through a neighbor, as we got him.Toward the end we had found a groomer that would make him feel like a puppy again by keeping his hair cut down. Katya misses him sometimes...I miss his stinky breath, believe it or not...but he is not in pain anymore, poor thing.Rest in Peace Old Man.

The Awakening

2008-08-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

note---I haven't achieved this, but hope to one day soon

An Awakening... A time comes in your life when you finally get it...When in the midst of all your fears and insanityyou stop dead in your tracks and somewhere thevoice inside your head cries out....ENOUGH!!Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you sudder once or twice,you blink back your tearsand through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to lookat the world through new eyes.THIS is your awakening...You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waitingfor something to change, or for happiness, safety and securityto come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms that the fact that he is not Prince Charmingand you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings(or beginnings for that matter)and that any guarantee of "happily ever after"must begin with you,and in the process...a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect,and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approveof who or what you are...and that's OK.(They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself,and in the process...a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they didto you (or didn't do for you)and you learn that the only thing you can really count onis the unexpected.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean ormean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you,and that it's not always about you.So, you learn to stand on your own two feet and totake care of yourself and in the process...a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.You stop judging and pointing fingers,and you begin to accept people as they are,and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailtiesand, in the processa sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself,and the world around you,is a result of all the messages and opinionsthat have been ingrained into your psyche.And you begin to sift through all the conditioning you've been fedabout how you should behave,how you should look,how much you shouldn't weigh,what you should wear,where you should shop,what you should drive,how and where you should live,what you should do for a living,who you should sleep with,who you should marry,what you should expect of a marriage,the importance of having and raising children,or what you owe your parents.You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.And you begin reassessing and redefining who you areand what you really stand for.You learn the difference between wanting and needing,and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown,or should never have bought into to begin with,and in the process..you learn to go with your instincts.You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing,and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer"looking for your next fix.You learn that principles such as honesty and integrityare not the outdated ideals of a bygone era,
but the mortar that holds together the foundationupon which you must build a life.You learn that you don't know everything,it's not your job to save the world,and that you can't teach a pig to sing.You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility,and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO!You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry,and that martyrs get burned at the stake.Then you learn about love.Romantic love and familial love.How to love, how much to give in love.When to stop giving, and when to walk away.You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.You learn that you will not be more beautiful,more intelligent, more lovable, or importantbecause of the man or woman on your armor that child that bears your name.You learn to look at relationships as they really areand not as you would have them to be.You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy.And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact thatyou will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your headand agonizing over how you "stack up."You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside,smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want thingsand to ask for the things that you want...and sometimes it is necessary to make demands.You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will NOT settle for less.And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you,
to glorify you with his or her touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.And you learn that your body really is your temple.You begin eating a balanced diet,drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise.You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear,so you take more time to rest.Just as food fuels the body,laughter fuels our soul,so you take more time to laugh and to play.You learn that, for the most part,in life you get what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for,and that wishing for something to happen is differentfrom working toward making it happen.More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success,you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.You also learn that no one can do it all aloneand that it's OK to risk asking for help.You learn that the only thing you must truly fearis the great robber baron of all time, FEAR itself.You learn to step right into and through your fears,because you know that whatever happens you can handle it,and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live lifeon your terms.And you learn to fight for your lifeand not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.You learn that life isn't always fair,you don't always get what you think you deserve,and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.It's just life happening.And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy,and resentment must be understood and redirected,or they will suffocate the life out of you
and poison the universe that surrounds you.You learn to admit when you are wrongand to build bridges instead of walls.You learn to be thankfuland to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted,things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about;a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself...by yourself,and you try to make yourself a promise -- to never betray yourselfand to never settle for less than your heart's desire.And you hang a wind chime outside your windowso you can listen to the wind.And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting,and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.Finally, with courage in your heartand with your GOD by your side,you take a stand, you take a deep breath,and you begin to design the lifeyou want to live as best as you can.You begin to be the "grandest version of the greatest vision" you have of yourself!!Live a truly magnificent life!!

2008-08-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

Written about me by a lifelong friend in 1997

2008-08-05T19:17:00.001-07:00

If I could be the person she wrote about here, I'd be proud

Bim 1997

When we were small,
We frolicked sweetly,
Foolish girls chattering and chirping,
Like crickets on a summer evening.
You were amiable and composed,
Like the rare white heron,
I was jittery and timid,
Like a mousy parakeet.
At fourteen, you were self-assured,
While I was awkward.
Your loyalty amazed me;
Standing beside me,
Like an astute lioness,
Proud and protective.
As our paths diverged slowly,High school and then college-
We were like monarchs,Flying back to the nesting place,Gathering yearly to feast.
You were always the competent one,
Maturing more swiftly than I ,
More mindful, and gloriously persistent.
Like a panther, you are fierce,
Unafraid and nobly bellicose,
Defending the sanctity of your loved-ones.
You are also nurturing,
Encouraging of achievement,
Humanely forgiving my transgressions,
Dismissing my faults.
We are kindred,
Two whimsical young women,
Often obligatorily sedate,
But still playful by choice.
Sisters joined by circumstance,
Time has bonded us indefinitely.

Please

2008-08-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

Please give me the strength to continue on this path. Please give me the calm and grace to handle obstacles thrown my way. Please give me the fortitude to be my daughters' rock always.